I returned to work in mid-September after an incredible 20 weeks of parental leave. In those 20 weeks I feel like I experienced every human emotion possible and learned a lot about being a new dad, and about myself. Recounting that experience isn't really the point here, so I won't get into it in this post, but it's helpful context for how I'm feeling now.

I wasn't sure what to expect logging back in for my first day back to work. Would I be glad to see old coworkers? Would I feel a renewed excitement for the work and design challenges? Looking back, I think I already had a clue. A few weeks before returning, I tried to extend my leave a bit longer, but it didn't pan out since I would’ve had to take unpaid leave. Maybe my desire to extend was the first sign of how I was subconsciously feeling about going back. I was definitely looking forward to a break from parenting for a few hours a day and could’ve simultaneously convinced myself that another 20 weeks of it sounded like a great idea. But if I was truly excited to get back to work, why would I have tried to put it off?

That question has been eating at me, and I think it points to something bigger. Being so far removed from your everyday "normal" for so long can shine a light on just how dysfunctional certain parts of a system, or relationships, really are. When you get a moment to breathe, be present, and discover (or rediscover) other sources of joy and fulfillment, your mind starts to imagine other futures. Better futures.

Now, a few weeks back in, I'm cautiously feeling things out, giving people and processes the benefit of the doubt. But I’ll be honest: I'm struggling. I'm noticing behaviors that don't make sense to me — things that have become routine and even praised, despite causing more confusion, more work, and much worse outcomes. Yep. I’m mostly talking about AI. And worse yet, it feels futile to raise any issues when there are incentives in place to ensure avoidance is impossible.

I’m not sure what the future holds or how to feel less alienated, but I’m craving change.